Assistant Appreciation Day

The company has an Assistant Appreciation Day, which I usually find….you know, fine.  It's fine.  If everyone wants to have a party because a group of people do their fucking jobs, that's fine with me. 

It only mildly irritates me that I am expected to actually attend Assistant Appreciation Day.  I mean, do I make all of you assholes come to Management Appreciation Day?  No, of course not.  It's a trick question too, because we don't even have one.  The most appreciation I get is pretending I don't know you all hate me.

But I'll go to Assistant Appreciation Day.  I'll show up and clap for you poor schmucks and smile over my whiskey.  Maybe there are hardships of the assistant job that I don't fully understand, maybe fucking up someone's coffee order every day takes an emotional toll, I don't know.

However, when my boss comes downstairs and tells me that not only do I need to attend Assistant Appreciation Day, I need to leave the office at 3pm to be there on time – all because of you, because you are my personal assistant and it would apparently mean something to you if I was there for the entirety of the festivities – well, that is where I draw the line.

Up until then you had helped me in absolutely no way and been a personal pain in my ass.  The one item in your favor was that you had not actually negatively impacted my life.  You'd been a moot point, a zero, a burden to the company, but mostly a wash for me.  It was like I had never had an assistant at all.  But now the very person who was hired to make my life easier, the very person who was hired to ASSIST me has instead started to IMPEDE me.  Do you see the total illogical nature of this?

Because of your day in which I dutifully showed my appreciation by drinking Johnny Walker Blue, I was forced to come into the office over the weekend.  This is something I have done many times before, but never with so much resentment. 

Cost/benefit analysis of you:

Benefit: None
Cost: My time on the weekend, the $200 tie on which a woman from accounting spilled her Cosmopolitan.